I honestly have nothing to hide...

But sometimes, in a relationship, everyone on both sides has to have some privacy. And Im saying this because I just finished listening to a marriage podcast, called Naked Marriage on Spotify. Its not raunchy, so you can go check it out.

Its basically discussions of a Christian centred marriage, about what this couple have found to work for them in keeping themselves honest to each other and to God, and enjoying each other in the honesty of their relationship. Dave and Ashley they are called.

I use social media a lot as a distraction. Whenever I cannot place my thoughts and I am restless, I tune into the worlds that get delivered on my feeds. And I check out, and I check what my circle of family and friends are up to. I stopped following celebrities, and influencers, and I thought it better to keep my circle small.

I unfollowed everyone else that I didnt know or had never met, and I blocked people that were following me whom I never knew also. Then I changed settings to private. Occasionally I block some friends that over post or that owe me money while they are flossing and flexing. But anyway…

And so I welcome the views and friendly peers into my life whenever I choose to post something of interest, which I only do because I think my circle is small.

But I know that whatever is whatever, and people can screen grab and share with unintended peeps, but I know it wouldn’t be something that Im uncomfortable with that I would have posted anyway.

But I dont exist for comparison, and I am not pertubed, disturbed or dismayed by other people’s displays of the swell of their lives. I only like to be introduced to new experiences, new places to visit and occasionally see what to do on weekends and oogle at the day activities my friends and family get up to, and sometimes for virtual celebrations.

Occasionally something inappropriate does pop up on my feed, but there is a mute button and an unfriend/unfollow button, and I switch off if someone is being extra...

And I stopped being angry on Facebook last year. I no longer get into politics conversations or argue with people who like politics and stirring up conflicts to gain territories of followings. Thats petty.

I get it. The comparisons exist. But contentment is also a great gain, being comfortable with what you have, yet leaving some room for aspiration and inspiration, and people sometimes can give you another perspective either with pictures or words. If you pick the right community to be in...

So when you find yourself in a conflict in your marriage or your relationship, and your spouse wants to track or scour your social media for clues? Then you have a problem, and a trust deficit. And you need to fix that, the both of you.

But it doesnt always mean there is something sinister happening. There may be no entanglements happening. But if it barks like a horse, runs like a dog, eats like a fish....then its a cat.

There is perhaps a judgement to be made about the use of time. And I am conscious to that. And I have learnt that over concentration of time on devices is destructive.

And its ok to receive correction and caution from my partner that my distraction distances them from the relationship. And I should know that better now.

So Im switching off. Maybe.

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A married man’s view

My honest answer is that every relationship is unique. It is important to understand your other half and try to be original in your relationship. This is a hard thing to do because everyone around you will pass comments and even say things like your relationship will not last. However if the two of you believe in that philosophy, it will work.

How you spend your idle time is your business as long as you pay attention to your other half’s needs. Remember the two of you are unique individuals. For example, my other half loves gym, exercise or going for walks in the country parks.

My passion is football and as I grow up I have come to play less and spend more time sitting down watching TV or taking my son to practise or matches. I read a lot about football on all media platforms. However, both of us we respect our family time.

Sometimes I go along with my wife to the gym or join her on her walks just to spend quality time with her. She also sits and watches football with me at times.

I usually use social media a lot when my wife is working night shifts. When my wife is at home I don’t spend more than 10-15 minutes on social media platforms. Recently, I exited from three dominantly male WhatsApp groups which were posting up to about 400 messages a day. It was distracting me from work as well.

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A married woman’s view.

Marriage is a very complicated institution where two unique individuals are forever learning about each other. The most important thing is that it is built on love and friendship. Social media is ok when used for business and occassional chats, but it should not take up three quarters of your time.

When you get married you leave “I” behind and it becomes “We”. Mostly its about understanding the other person and trying to make them happy. If the two of you embrace that philosophy, the relationship becomes like a well oiled machine.

There is no room for selfishness. You dont have to do everything together because obviously that can be stifling. Each one has hobbies, as long as they are healthy passtimes which dont end up taking the bulk of your time.

The other very important thing is communication, say out things and never assume that the other person will know what you are thinking.

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A very long time married view.

I think in some small way social media does some harm. But its small, in comparison to the health it gives back. Remember in the old analogue days obaba would stay elokshini besebenza emafemini edolobheni and omama besemakhaya.

And they would come back home once a year. And if bebonke nomama, ubaba would at times distract himself at the tavern or the beer garden, and sometimes at the stadium.

So in short obaba had plenty of time away from omama and they had the escapes of regular beer intervals. Modern relationships are more clingy and choking. Its co-habiting, talking, lunching, drinking, holidaying, and oh Lord shopping together!

So no space to breathe or take breaks. Social media therefore provides the ultimate escape.

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Married to social media perhaps..

Yes, I use social media and I also spend time with my friends and she does too.

One thing we emphasise between us is spending time together as a couple.

Social media is not a problem, the problem is how one uses it or why they do. For example, some people use social media to avoid their spouses whilst other people operate their business on social media.

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A businessman’s view.

Interesting. I feel this could have been longer. You touched on very interesting things that we continually do but add no value.

• Following celebrities and influencers making them richer and relevant yet they will not do a tenth of that for you.
• Arguing about politics (learnt that the hard way).
• Following and being followed by people you don’t know and have never seen ( reason why I initially left Facebook as I felt small in a world full of people living their best lives. But recently activated my account to spread the word about our business).

On the issue of marriage/relationship, trust and social media we need more content on that one.

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Sazi’s view

Been thinking about this one, my brother. I get two themes:

1. Social media and privacy. In short - trust

2. Social media and prioritization of time. Making sure we balance the books of how we spend our limited 24 hours.

In fact, it's one theme - romantic relationships.

I don't really like social media. It seems like admin to me. I do get lost in people's WhatsApp statuses, but I'm always culling away to find the people whose stories I find to be educational, funny etc. Resonate. That's the word.

My danger is on the phone calls, man. I talk on the phone. I may call to discuss one thing and next thing it's been 30 minutes.

So, when it comes to marriage... I subscribe to the idea of being friends with your spouse. This, I assume, invariably results in mutual respect and fun. Enjoying each other's company and being free to say when you don't want to do something, respectfully. It also means that we understand that I don't always have to do things I don't enjoy doing.

Girl, go with your lady friends and, dude, go do that with your guy friends. This marriage isn't meant to be a prison. It's a friendship. Enjoy it. Laugh together and find those things that you have in common - and do them. A lot!

Build common memories and have your own lingo. Show up for each other. And, sometimes, you will do something you don't necessarily like doing. That's what friends do... And you won't gripe and complain. But, once in a while. Not every day or week.

Social media is just a tool. If it becomes an issue, chances are it's just a symptom of something wrong in the relationship.

And, yes, people are different. They were born different; raised different and experienced different things in life. We cannot pretend/expect that saying "I do" changes all that.

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